Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’ve had worse
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
That’s enough internet for the day
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.