Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Labreador
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone