[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
5 ways to appear taller
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao