@WorldStarFunny: Why these pigeons look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2014
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@GrantTanaka: Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
@KaliciaBo: "You are cute like a dog, Momma!" My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT