@WorldStarFunny: Why these pigeons look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2014
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@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out
@SCbchbum: My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn't just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
@rockymomax: [At bar] BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal