You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Banana is the quietest snack
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.