It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank