Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
the three genders
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe