Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus