why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I put the h in mysterious.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]