I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Someone just threatened to call me later
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.