Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!