@SomeChrisTweets: Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
@ilovepie84: Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn't want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
@BrianHDot: Chinese Food: $16.72 Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
@ElizaBayne: "Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way."- Ludacris's cousin, Kurteous