Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!