WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.