Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
You Might Also Like
“TGIM!” – My liver
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Sorry not sorry.