@SwoonTwang: Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?
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@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
@ArfMeasures: HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
@NakedHangover: What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
@squirrel74wkgn: As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.