1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
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God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I want this so bad
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”