[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
All generalizations are stupid.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.