Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..