Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.