Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
hey, alexa
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
i hope my email finds you on fire
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.