Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…