Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me driving through Toronto
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.