Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law