[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.