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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now