News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese