@jctwritesstuff: Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar? Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.
@Kyle_Lippert: Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@J_Dazzle76: If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.