Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
HERE’S MARKY
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
just gave your address to some spiders
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs