Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?