Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Who did it better?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.