Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
this chia pet tastes awful
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.