Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?