Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
The baby bites me a lot cuz she鈥檚 teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My kid鈥檚 superpower is finding the one show that isn鈥檛 streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Don鈥檛 you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That鈥檚 why I do it.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!