@wolfpupy: why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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@Parkerlawyer: My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill. This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague? ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
@KizerBillhelm: Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.