@wolfpupy: why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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@trouteyes: Policeman: Name please? Woman: Cheryl Cole Policeman: Your FULL name Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
@prncss_fifi: My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?
@SteveKoehler22: My wife handed me a paring knife to slice some peaches. Apparently we don’t have a peaching knife.
@Jesusontwittorr: To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later