why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined