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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
There is no “we” in pizza
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!