There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely