I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free