my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
house sitting!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
A classic…
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)