Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?