Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
You Might Also Like
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
sensitive skin
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”