@BrandonEsWolf: Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?
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@ItsAndyRyan: *Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing* Me: You really need to hurry up – we're going to be late. *Child starts singing faster*
@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@TheTweetOfGod: Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
@flashember: [Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope