@BrandonEsWolf: Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.” Wife: Me: Everything isn’t about you.
@jwoodham: Whenever you're mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.
@mattr_in_nc: Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?