Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]