@new_waster: Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
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@naughtygeisha3: Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.
@fowlerism: WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I'm leaving you [Single Ladies comes on the jukebox] ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
@lovejulieacafe: So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
@VaDawn13: I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.