Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
is nasa ok
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.