Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
This is a sub tweet