Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.