Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.