Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Woke up against my better judgment again
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.