Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.