Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.