@KeithSantagato: #WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers....well now i don't feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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@NeighborGrumpy: 3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@WickedDarkEyes: I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know... Oreos.
@droidbears: fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey... worst first day ever