Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.