Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Breaking news:
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.